Tuesday, January 9
not alone. - Tuesday, January 09, 2007
after reading friends' blogs, i've realised that i'm not as alone as i thought. there are others out there, some close to me, some i've drifted apart from, some i've never quite noticed, that feel the same way as me. it is true, we were all given the same hearts, but along the way we just adapted to our surroundings.so anyway, i don't really know where all of this is coming from. but i know these days i wake up wanting to have a better future & to have more answers. there are so many questions i seek, & at this point all i can do is pray, which in the past seemed like a really dumb thing to do. but now that i'm desperate/lost/confused, that's all i can put my mind to do.
2oo7 for me still seems unclear & very foggy. so early in the year & i'm already struggling a tad bit too much. i know i'm changing. as words of others reach my ears & those who speak ill words continue to do their hobby, it's slowly taking effect on me. i guess in a way, i'm losing increasing respect for those who know it hurts me but still say it for kicks while true friends are being shone with a brighter light now. i don't even hate them anymore. i feel nothing. is that a good or bad thing? cos i didn't say that i forgave them entirely either. so i could be (a) finally growing up, or (b) becoming bloody ignorant.
which leads me to another topic. another guy friend talked to me online, after a very long time. i was kinda suprised but then the first thing he said made me feel the exact opposite immediately.
it went something like '' hey, can i ask your sister out?" & '' tell your sis i said hey ''. i responded with an ''ok, i'll get back to you soon then.'' & then he said this line that pretty much irritated me.
'' i'm not like other guys. i didn't talk to you just cos i wanted to ask your sister out. i'm oso here to ask you how u've been, you know.''
i am irritated & i still will pass the msg when my sister comes back. but i think what irritates me more is that here i am trying to live as an individual & there pple are talking to me just to know my sister.
ok, maybe i'm talking like this cos he didn't sound sincere enuff abt the ' i'm oso here to ask you how u've been, you know.' or i'm the 'too sensitive' one again. or i'm jealous of my sister getting more attention?
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decisions are gonna have to be made soon, most specifically by 20th jan. i don't get what's still holding me back but i suspect it's the fear of the unknown.
as for work, it's been orite to say the least, tho i'm pretty much exhausted everytime i'm done with work. cos of that i've been neglecting my friends & responsiblities( and bleach!) & for that i sincerely apologise.
love always,
kel-